That’s the question I’m constantly asked by women, confused about the intentions of the guy they’re seeing.

Being used (especially in dating) is a situation no one wants to find themselves in. If you find out the guy you’re genuinely interested in wants you solely for his ego or his pleasure, it’s a direct manipulation of your trust, and understandably, will leave you feeling heartbroken and betrayed.

How well can you spot the signs?

I’ll start by saying this right from the get-go;

If you have to ask the question, the answer is often yes.

But there are exceptions. We’ve all misread or overthought situations before and, somehow, come up with a read that was completely out of line with reality.

So today, from my experience coaching women and being around both good guys and ‘users’, I give you my top 10 reads to spot a user, signs that (unless you’re happy to use him back!) should see you focusing your romantic attention elsewhere.

1. He regularly/only drunk texts you.

This should be obvious, but I’m surprised at how often it’s not. Don’t kid yourself into thinking he was ‘just busy’ the rest of the time, and his loving drunk texts are indicators of his true feelings. No, he wasn’t, and no, they’re not. Stop emotionally justifying. It’s just a sign that he’s using you.

2. He’s caught off guard if he runs into you unexpectedly.

A guy who’s using you only wants to see you on his terms, when it suits him, so his game will be thrown out by running into you unexpectedly. He’ll seem caught off guard, uncomfortable, and not his usual self. If you’re exclusive to him, it’s a clear sign you’re being used. Any happily committed guy (even if there’s no ‘label’) is going to be excited to unexpectedly run into the girl he’s dating. That’s how relationships work. If he’s taken aback by your sudden appearance, be wary.

If the two of you aren’t exclusive, this isn’t necessarily a sign he’s using you (per se), but probably one that he’s still seeing other women. If he hasn’t told you anything to the contrary, then that may be acceptable for where the two of you are at. Don’t assume exclusivity.

Regardless, if you’re hurt by this, you might want sit him down and discuss future commitment (or lack thereof).

3. He’s charming when he’s with you, but strangely distant when he’s not.

This is a dead giveaway, but it’s one that a lot of women miss, because he’s usually very charming and gives half-valid reasons for his constant mini-disappearances. When a guy genuinely likes you, he wants to keep up the emotional momentum. He doesn’t go days without contacting you.

Even if it’s in small, goofy ways, a guy who genuinely likes you won’t let things go 24-48 hours without touching base. If your guy disappears for 3 days at a time, and then comes back all charming and such, it’s a sure sign he’s using you.

4. He avoids introducing you to his friends.

When a guy really likes a girl, his instinct is to show her off, maybe not initially to his family, but at least, to his friends. If he’s keeping his friends and you seperate, and it’s been more than a month, be suspicious if there always just ‘seems’ to be some sort of reason why times don’t match up for those two things to happen together. He probably doesn’t want you to meet any of his friends for a reason.

5. He rarely/never stays the night or asks you to leave afterwards.

This too should be obvious, but I still hear justifications for it. Things like, “He just always has to work early” or “He just has to get home to do something.” No, he doesn’t. If he really liked you, he would bring his work clothes to yours or do whatever it was he had to do at home before he left. Men want to build emotional intimacy with women they like (and even some they don’t!), and they find ways to allow them to stay the night most of the time. His regular unwillingness speaks volumes on his intentions.

6. He cancels dates to come round to your house, instead.

Each time you accept a ‘Netflix and chill’ date over a real activity, you become a little more usable in a guy’s mind. Any guy will test the waters early on in dating to see what he can get away with. If he can save the money, time, effort, and thought involved in a real date and turn you into his regular ‘Netflix gal’, he will. One-offs are OK (and something we all enjoy), but don’t get into the habit of doing this regularly with any guy who hasn’t verbally committed to you. Guys bring out their best for the woman who demands it and will let it slip away and start using any woman who doesn’t.

7. He’s jealous of you with other guys, but also seems to avoid giving you a clear answer on exclusivity.

Does he seem to play up, act jealous, or just doesn’t like the prospect of you spending time around other guys, yet has never been 100% clear on his own situation and standing? It’s because he doesn’t trust you’re not using him, the same way he’s using you. Any user is looking to manipulate the situation so he can feel secure, but at the same time, keep the freedom to indulge himself.

Of course, some ‘users’ will straight out lie to you (so this won’t help you with them, see point #10 for spotting those guys!), but others will consciously try to avoid lying when they can, thus will subtly dodge or dance around conversations regarding exclusivity. They will talk about their strong feelings for you, but they’ll stop short of making a clear statement on whether or not you’re the only one.

Always look for definitive, clear statements when it comes to exclusiveness. If they aren’t forthcoming, never assume it.

8. He doesn’t see you if sex isn’t possible.

This, above all others, should be a clear sign that you’re in the ‘being used’ category. If he never bothers to see you (day or night), unless he thinks sex is possible, you can easily deduce that’s all he wants.

9. He’s not interested in pleasing you.

When a guy genuinely likes a girl, he wants to see her enjoy herself. He wants to please her in such a way that she only thinks and fantasizes about him.

If he’s all ‘wham, bam, thank you mam’, and doesn’t seem phased at all about your enjoyment (or lack thereof), he’s almost certainly using you.

10. He’s overprotective of his phone.

This is the best way to spot the lying user. You remember the guy who straight out tells you he’s committed to you and not seeing anyone else, then seems downright suspicious? That’s the lying user. He has no qualms about telling you what you want to hear and doing the exact opposite in his own life. Fortunately, he has an Achilles’ heel.

His over-protectiveness of his phone is his giveaway. If a user is lying to you to use you, then his phone is far and away his biggest chance of getting caught. And he knows it.

I do not recommend actually going through his phone, but become aware of it. Watch the way he behaves with it. Does he…

Never leave it alone with you when he walks between rooms of the house?

Always have it on the opposite side of the two of you, rather than between?

Always keep it close by his side or on airplane mode around you?

Once a guy has committed to not seeing anyone else, he has no reason to hide his phone.

Unless he does.

A loyal guy will absentmindedly leave his phone around the house, plop it down and won’t think too much about it.

So, if your new committed fellow seems hyper-aware of it, it might be time to see if something underhanded could be happening.

To summarize, no woman deserves to be used, so make sure it doesn’t happen to you. Use the signs mentioned here, think rationally, and above all, trust his actions over his words. They will speak volumes as to his intentions for you.