2 Magic Words That Make Your Fear Disappear
You are. I am. Everybody.
Anyone that tells you progress comes without fear has either made no progress – or is lying.
The difference between success and failure isn’t fear.
It’s two words.
As my brand, MakeHimYours builds, more people have become curious about me. Who is the man behind it, and where did he come from?
When they delve further, their typical reaction is one of surprise.
My background is one of extreme social anxiety. At age 20, I couldn’t talk to people, especially women. I stressed out at the thought of socializing and had no confidence in myself to tackle the challenges of life. I lived in the gym. It was my hideaway from civilization and my excuse why I always needed to stay at home (rest) on weekends.
“Anyone that tells you progress comes without fear has either made no progress – or is lying.”
Since then, I’ve met spent literally hundreds of nights in pubs and clubs, met thousands of people, performed for tens of thousands, completed two bachelor’s degrees and am living my passion in the form of MakeHimYours.
Like clockwork, after people get over the surprise, comes the next question. “How?”
“How did you make the change?”
Looking back, I see the same pattern repeated in all my successes so far.
I don’t just see the pattern in myself, either.
I saw the same pattern in other shy men, whom I coached to beat their own social demons. I see the pattern in business success stories around me. I see the same pattern in recovered sufferers of depression, performers their first time on stage, and kick-ass veterinarians. Now, to my delight, I’m seeing the same pattern in my clients.
It begins with a struggle, the yearning for something more in their life.
There is procrastination. There is self-doubt. There is anxiety.
Then, something happens.
If the yearning is strong enough and the goal inspiring enough, tension grows.
On one hand, fear and procrastination work against action.
On the other, burning desire pushes back, forcing the individual, again and again, to the edge of the cliff.
Spending time near the edge of the cliff soon forces the individual to acknowledge the action they’re not taking.
They watch their own excuses, having to hear them again and again.
The man who wants to meet women goes out night after night, but never approaches. The woman who wants to learn public speaking goes to toastmasters repeatedly as a guest, but never joins.
The difference between success and failure is what happens next.
If the desire is strong enough, the tension and frustration grow, until finally, the person reaches a tipping point.
You know when someone hits their tipping point. You can spot the exact moment, because when it happens, two words leave their lips.
Two words that pinpoint the moment change occurs.
Do they always succeed? Hell no. I’ve seen “Fuck it” lead to mistakes, embarrassment, and outright failure.
But the people who reach “Fuck it” succeed in a much more important way.
“Your ego bottoms out, but ironically, you find you were better off without it.”
They take action. They learn. They come to realise that, even though they felt like they were putting their neck on a guillotine, failure wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Turns out, you still wake up the next morning. You still have breakfast. You still go to work. Life goes on.
Your ego bottoms out, but ironically, you find you were better off without it.
“Fuck it” doesn’t make your fear disappear. It’s just the moment you stop caring.
It’s a weight on your shoulders to be constantly burdened with the thoughts of others. What you can and can’t do. Whether or not people will like you or hate you. If there will be a bad response to the next thing you try.
When you say “Fuck it”, you’ve reached the moment at which the pain of inaction finally outweighs the pain of action.
It’s the moment a young university student, frustrated by her inability to speak in front of people, schedules in her first speech at Toastmasters.
It’s the moment a man, so angered by living with years of depression, books an appointment with his psychologist.
It’s the moment a young woman, tired of wondering about the guy she likes, walks over, and asks him out.
If you want real success, get to where, deep inside you, something boils over. Do whatever it takes. Find a way. Keep adding straw, bit by bit, until the camel’s back breaks. Until you’ve backed yourself so badly into a corner that “Fuck it” is your only way out.
1. Create a burning, white hot desire for what you want.
Don’t let what you want leave your brain. Ruminate on it. Focus on it. Put posters around your room, change the background on your desktop. Surround yourself with people who have it or are taking action to get it.
The more you create a burning desire, the more the tension builds.
2. Have the courage to recognise exactly where you’re procrastinating.
This is the hardest part.
If you’re being honest with yourself. There is a point at which you’re procrastinating.
Your ego won’t want to acknowledge it. It means admitting that part of you is running.
“Being scared is ok. It makes you human. Stop pretending that you’re not.”
Fuck the ego.
Being scared is ok. It makes you human. Stop pretending that you’re not.
Find where you are procrastinating. Admit that you’re fucking scared of approaching the guy/speaking on that stage/fighting this disease.
Own it. Let it wash over you. But point it out in the process.
3. Put yourself right up to that point, over and over again.
You know you should talk to that guy. You know you should prepare that speech. You know you should book that appointment.
But you don’t, because you stay 10 steps behind the point of procrastination.
Instead, own it. Walk right up to it, perfectly aware that is scares the bejesus out of you. Keep putting yourself around that guy and do nothing. Keep going to toastmasters and not participating. Put your doctors phone number all around the house and don’t call.
Watch yourself NOT do it again and again. Let the tension build. Keep adding straw.
4. Draw on success resources.
When you’re on the edge, find any resource you can to tip you over. Read Susan Jeffers “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway”. Listen on repeat to Anthony Robbins. Reread this article.
Internalise whatever material you need, so that when you’re on the edge, right on the edge between procrastination and action – you have the mental ideology behind you to move those couple of extra millimetres and break that damn camel’s back.
The moment you do, the world opens up to you in ways you never thought possible.
Don’t spend another minute running from your fear. Own it. Thrive in it. Let it engulf you. Then fill yourself with burning desire and supportive resources until you just say “Fuck it.”