9 Rock-Solid Reasons Dating Multiple People Works
Dating multiple people.
Going on multiple dates, with multiple guys, before you become exclusive.
It’s one of the most controversial ideas I teach in dating.
It’s also one of the most successful.
If you want to supercharge your dating life and give yourself the best chance of meeting Mr. Right, here’s 8 rock-solid reasons multiple dating works.
1. Science has proved it balances the chemicals in your brain
Over acceleration between new lovers, subsequently leading to a poor choice in partner – and significant time wasted – is a real problem. It’s the best way to make the worst decision of your life. And your brain is wired towards it.
Ever had the experience where you can recite every intimate detail of a date, right down to the way he held your hand, tiny things he did or every word he said?
Yet, you can’t remember what you had for dinner, yesterday?
That’s dopamine at work. It focuses your attention intensely. It drives you towards things you desire. It sends the pleasure receptors in your brain into a very happy overdrive.
And it’s directly associated with almost every form of clinical addiction in humans.
Studies have shown your dopamine levels skyrocket when you first fall for someone, even after just one date. Like a speed user, the more hits you get, the more you focus your attention and derive pleasure from their presence alone. It can even create positive perceptive illusions, literally blinding you to a new lover’s negative characteristics.
Other neurotransmitters are at work, too.
“Moving too fast is the best way to make the worst decision of your life”
Nor-epinephrine levels rise, giving you the ‘high’ and sleeplessness of new love, while there is strong evidence that serotonin levels in new lovers resemble those found in clinically diagnosed obsessive compulsive sufferers. We’re literally wired, from not one neurotransmitter, but several, to focus and obsess on new love – even if it isn’t good for us.
Dating multiple people flattens out these neurotransmitter peaks and troughs over multiple men. You’ll make better informed, more rational decisions about partners who are worth your exclusivity.
2. It levels the dating playing field
Most men, especially attractive ones, start out dating multiple women. You can never assume exclusivity if it’s not been stated.
If he has the knowledge you are single dating, without requiring the same from him, the ‘balance of investment’ shifts against you. You’re investing heavily in him, without requiring the same in return.
Not only does your challenge (and therefore, your attractiveness in his eyes) decrease, you’re putting yourself in a position to be more vulnerable to the dopamine swings than he is. It’s an uneven playing field – one on which you’re likely to lose.
Most men take time – weeks or months – to decide they want to be exclusive with you. This dating pattern makes sense, as it gives him time to get to know you.
When you date multiple people, you’re just leveling the playing field. It’s not about being underhanded. It’s simply having the self-respect to say what’s good for him is, and always will be, good for you. That you’re not willing to give up the obvious benefits of multiple dating until you know him well and he does the same for you.
3. You meet way more men
“To find a prince, you’re going to have to kiss a few toads.”
It’s simple math.
The chances of meeting ‘the one’ increase with every new guy you meet and date.
When you get out there and multi-date, you make life happen at a faster rate. You’re taking action, without being desperate. And life rewards action.
4. It helps clarify what you want in a guy
Because you’ve balanced your neurotransmitters by multi-dating, you’re now getting clearer, more rational observations of individual traits you like and dislike in men.
“To find a prince, you’re going to have to kiss a few toads.”
You might think you want X trait, but have you experienced it? You might find that, once you deal with it, you’re not such a fan. There may be other traits you thought you would hate, but which, to your surprise, you learn you quite like. You never know until you try, and multi-dating gets you that experience faster than any other means.
5. It helps weed out many of the men you don’t want
Certain men, especially players or overly possessive types, cannot handle a woman multiple dating. They are happy to do it themselves, but when the tables are turned they quickly lose their mojo. Their insecurities see them trying to force you into exclusivity.
When it fails, they’ll call you a whore and weed themselves out. Rather than wasting a year with them before their insecurities forced the breakup, you’ve achieved the same thing in a month – a benefit you’d miss out on entirely were you dating them alone.
6. You build social and flirting skills
Social skills aren’t just useful in dating. They’re a key factor in self-worth and personal happiness. And multiple dating means you’re going on more dates and growing them faster.
After a time building confidence multiple dating, you’re flirting smoothly, even with the most attractive men. You radiate certainty and men flock to you like bees to honey. A guy may have 5 girls chasing him, but you’ll be the one he’s chasing.
Growing your social skills while single is a gift. Don’t sacrifice this gift for a man until he’s earnt it.
7. You challenge him, without trying, in a way that actually works
Playing hard to get is fake and is terrible dating advice.
But being hard to get? Being hard to get is real. It’s a natural function of you and your lifestyle.
When you multi-date, you naturally have less time for one man. You won’t think about him as much. You’ll challenge him, without trying, in a way that is natural and works.
He’ll have to earn his way up your priorities list, challenging him in a way he’s not used to. And he’ll find it irresistible.
8. He is much more validated once you become exclusive
Guys need validation.
We might not admit it, but we do.
We want to be the only guy who could have had you. Like it was our unique blend of charm and charisma that won you over in a way no other man could. That’s how we feel safe with you.
When you have the exclusivity conversation and communicate to him that, while other guys have been showing interest, you only want him, you validate him massively. He thinks to himself, “She could have had them, but turns out, she only wanted me. Hah!”
9. It’s not dishonest
The biggest resistance, by far, to the idea of dating multiple people, is that it’s dishonest.
It is not.
Remember, men are already in the ‘multiple-dating-unless-I-say-otherwise’ bandwagon. You’re just hopping on too.
Still, if these unspoken terms of dating continue to play on your conscience, there’s nothing stopping you from being open about it. Tell him:
“I’m in a ‘dating only’ mindset, right now. I’ve told myself I would really get to know someone before I commit, so I’m holding myself to that for now. If you’re supportive of that, I’d love to keep seeing you and see where this goes. If not, I completely understand.”
Or, if you want to be more direct
“What you do is your business, what I do is mine, and we’ll see how we go. Sound fair?”
And your conscience is clear.
If you haven’t been a multiple dater in the past, I hope these 9 reasons to do so help you see it in a new light. Multiple dating not only grows you as a person in our ever more competitive world, but by being willing to date a few people at the start, you massively increase your chances of getting the one you really want in the end.