I’ve said this here before: dating can be a lot like riding a roller coaster–steep climbs followed by sudden, crashing descents. The exhilaration of being pursued has you careening around curves at high speed and laughing at the thrill of it… moments later, you lurch to a stop feeling discombobulated and gasping for breath!
Roller coasters can be a blast when you’re enjoying a day off in an amusement park, but they’re torture if they’re your dating life.
The extreme highs and lows alone are enough to lead to disconnection and burnout. When you add to that the psychic toll the daily news takes on your heart and mind (violence, global warming, poverty, sexual abuse… you know the headlines), it can be hard to put your game face on and show up with enthusiasm for a date.
This is especially true when you think about the risk/reward ratio: What if he’s weird? What if it’s a disappointment? You become guarded and detached–hardly the stuff of a man magnet!
It’s important to maintain your presence — your beautiful, feminine, Queen-like energy — even as the world slings its toxic sludge about. Here are four steps to help you do just that:
1. Go quiet. Listen to your inner wisdom.
As women, you’ve often been taught to silence the thoughts in your minds and ignore the GPS in your body. Many of the women I coach have practically no access to their instincts and intuition. If you keep running into the same problem, it’s time to access your imagination so you can find the answers that are inside you.
When you tune into yourself and honor all the thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions within (that’s the basis of healing), you learn to trust yourself again. You can reclaim your true nature and discern the subtle cues telling you how to navigate life and dating. Reconnecting to their bodies, which is also an act of re-engaging with their intuition, sensations and feminine essences, is a big part of the growth for many of my 1 on 1 clients, who, through consistent discounting of the inner wisdom in the past, have ended up in years or decades of relationships that haven’t served them.
2. Cherry-pick your “Tribe of Five.”
You’ve probably heard the saying that your tribe sets your vibe and in my book, Make Him Yours, there’s a chapter that talks about setting up your support network.
We become the sum total of the 5 people we spend the most time with, and we reflect the best or the worst thinking of that peer group. If you feel any negative energy or misalignment as you think about how the people in your life impact you, this might be an area to look at more closely. Pay attention to your bodily and emotional sensations as you mentally hand-pick your Tribe of Five. This small noticing exercise can shine some light on WHO in your tribe is most positive and empowering for you and who is a time and energy sucker.
3. Exercise your mind.
If you feel the weight of the world pressing in on you, and you aren’t showing up as your best self on dates, there are some exercises you can try to identify the belief patterns that have been holding you back and manage the messages in your head.
For example, if you’ve ever felt, “My body has never looked the way my culture says it should; it’s experienced a lot of pain and rejection (including from me),” you could shift it to “I am temporarily inhabiting an amazing physical container that is willing to feel, grow, and change so I can learn!”
If you’ve ever thought, “There are so many things I have to do to keep my life running the way I like it,” you re-script it into “Here I am, and here’s my life. What an awesome opportunity!”
This is about correcting the glitches or distortions in your thought processes.
Bonus: When we choose to engage the world through the lens of acceptance and connection, we tend to be kinder, happier, healthier, more productive people who are just better to be around and better at the things we do. And this is mega-magnetizing to men!
4. Mind your energy.
Sometimes, you’re working hard to get your mind right when some messy energy comes at you from the outside. You know you can’t control the world, but you can control your response to it or how much of it you let in.
You are transmitting emotional energy to everyone you come into contact with. If you tell yourself a self-denigrating story, it’s part of that energy. If you’re running a shame-filled narrative, you’re broadcasting that energy.
Conversely, being (and knowing you are) a smart, enthusiastic, high-demand woman is part of that energy! When you use the tools for becoming more confident and relaxed (channeling your Queen Energy), that’s when people start treating you better.
Most important of all, this is how you earn respect from the person who sets the tone for ALL of your interactions–yourself!
The next time you notice you’re feeling burnt out, disconnected, or joyless, take a step back. Take care of yourself and reconnect to your empowered feminine energy. Remember, consistent action (and that includes the action of self-care) builds confidence and resilience, so you can more quickly bounce back when the world gets you down.
If you want to learn more about getting yourself in a great space for dating, my book, Make Him Yours, Beating The Odds Of Modern Dating, is now available.