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How to Be Independent Without Pushing Men Away


No doubt you’re a strong, independent woman. You’re kicking ass in every area of life and you don’t need a man for your own sense of fulfillment, which is great, right? Why then, does it feel like men are often intimidated to the point of not even looking your way?


If you’re in the same boat as many women I chat with, it might seem like these very qualities turn a lot of men off. As if your hard-earned independence is somehow a threat and that men can’t handle the fact that you don’t need them. So, is it true that men really do want the whole ‘damsel in distress’ stereotype in order to feel good about themselves?


I’m going to shoot that belief down, here and now. Men absolutely do love strong, independent women. However, there are mistakes I see from women that push men away, and you’re probably not aware of them. Therefore, let’s dive into how strong, independent women avoid the intimidation trap and, instead, attract a lot of great men into their lives.


Don’t tell men you’re a strong, independent woman. Show them. 

Imagine this scenario. You meet up with a guy for a date and he launches into telling you about his huge social media following, or the cars that he owns, or how much of a profit he made last year. Douchebag, right? Clearly, he’s insecure and trying to prove himself straight off the bat, rather than simply getting to know you by being himself. If he hadn’t mentioned any of these things, and you found out down the line, you’d be much more impressed.


That’s because a lion doesn’t strut around telling the jungle it’s a lion. He doesn’t have to. He’s secure in his role as the king of the jungle and his actions prove it. A woman who’s truly secure about the fact that she’s independent doesn’t feel the need to tell people how strong she is. From her actions to the way she carries herself, it’s obvious to everyone that she walks her talk.


If you feel the urge to tell a guy how strong and independent you are, ask yourself why. What is it that you’re not proving to yourself? When we feel the need to prove ourselves to others, it’s indicating a sense of lack within ourselves. We all like to impress people with our accomplishments, but a true sense of self-confidence means that we know we don’t have to. We know that it’s enough that we own it ourselves.


Let go of some control

Do you have a high-ranking, complex job that involves heaps of responsibility? Chances are, your strength, skills and talents ensure everything is under control, at all times. The thing is, many of my successful, female clients struggle to switch off the need to control, when it comes to dating and relationships. They find it hard to release control because it’s such a fundamental element with regard to careers, especially those that involve leadership.

If you resonate with this, one thing I always say to my clients is:

“Wouldn’t you love it, if just once in your life, a quality man took charge? A strong man led you, asked you out, kissed you and fucked you properly without you having to control everything?”


Typically, the response I get is the eyes rolling in the back of the head. That is, before the beautiful feeling of a man talking control like this really sinks in. No one really wants to be in control all the time. It’s a learned behaviour that often stops you from flowing with the moment towards what you really want to feel.


When you just allow it to happen, by letting a man help you, lead you and dominate you in the bedroom, he’s going to love it. More importantly, so will you! You’re not losing your independence by letting yourself be vulnerable and feminine with a man. Instead, you’re opening yourself up to the flow of reciprocation and true connection.


Get in touch with your feminine side

When you’re spending every work week in a structured, masculine headspace, it’s often hard to transition into the relaxed, intuitive and playful energy of the feminine. This is a problem because it’s the yin to the yang, the complementary contrast that’s required in a relationship. If you’re both interacting from a predominately masculine energy, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll clash in a romantic sense.


Men and women need to nurture feminine energy, to maintain balance in life. However, as a woman, it’s especially important for you. There’s so much you can do to stay in touch with radiant, feminine energy. Feel instead of think, align with the present moment through mindfulness, stimulate your senses, exercise and be playful. For more on how to do this, check out this video.


Be vulnerable

Have you ever tried to form a connection with someone who presented a really tough exterior? As in, perhaps they were polite, strong, skilled and self-possessed, but it felt like you had to smash through all that to even get a glimpse at the real stuff underneath. Or, could you be that person with the tough exterior?


A lot of strong, independent women see vulnerability as a weakness. It often is in the realm of careers, which is a big reason why vulnerability is a trait fewer and fewer people are displaying these days. However, being vulnerable enough to show your interest, put yourself out there, reveal your softer side and talk about your fears takes enormous courage. It shows a secure, accepting and loving sense of self in a way that’s far beyond what any career achievement can prove.


If you only show that tough exterior to men, it’s hard to form deep and meaningful connections. They want to see the soft, feminine side of you and you’ll also feel more aligned with your true self when you allow it to flow naturally.


Understand that you DO need men

Are you rolling your eyes? Getting ready to close the tab in disgust? Many strong, independent women I meet get sick to their stomachs when they hear me say this. Just think about it for a moment though. Why are you reading this in the first place, if you don’t need men? The reality is, you need men as much as men need you. Sink into appreciation for the things men bring to your life, to let this hit home.


Imagine if you met a man who had no appreciation for you, just because of your gender? If he believed that all women were privileged or cheaters or manipulators with no use to him. It’s not a great feeling to be on the receiving end of that kind of belief, and it’s exactly the feeling men get if you say, “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man for anything.” Plus, it’s just not true.


We all want to feel connection, love and acceptance with others, and especially within close relationships. This has nothing to do with how well you can look after yourself, how great your career is or how capable you are of kicking your life goals. You absolutely don’t need a man for these things. However, don’t confuse your independence with not needing a man for all the wonderful things connection brings, and treating him as if he’s basically redundant as a result.


Men really do love your strength and independence, as much as you love theirs. But, that’s just one side of you and he wants to delve into all of them. Let go of some control, get in touch with your feminine side, be vulnerable and appreciate him for what he brings. Just having the courage to do this will show him your strength and independence and draw him in, without you having to lift a finger to prove how amazing you are.


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