How to Do Friends with Benefits with Respect

Does a casual, no-strings-attached relationship sound like a dream to you? Great! You already know you deserve a booty call when you want one, just as much as guys do. Chances are though, you’ve suffered from some pretty ridiculous double standards, if you’ve come ‘out’ in society about wanting to do (or doing), friends with benefits.

Straight up, let’s debunk some popular myths, so we can get on with the important stuff. This way, you can shut that kind of judgemental negativity down, instead of fearing or basing decisions on it.

Myth – Women who enjoy casual sex will have sex with anyone

Will women who enjoy casual sex just sleep with anyone, thereby earning a ‘bad’ reputation? Hell no! They have sex with men they want to have sex with because it’s a great experience. As for getting a reputation, historically this notion stems from male-dominated societies wanting to suppress female sexuality, in order to take control of their ‘property’, aka, wives. That, in itself, destroys the validity this myth didn’t have in the first place.

Others don’t have to agree with how you conduct your sex life and casual sex isn’t for everyone. However, if you’re judged because you shouldn’t be doing something men are practically applauded for, this says everything about the narrow, outdated views of your ‘accusers’ – and nothing about you.

Myth – Women who have casual sex have low self-esteem

Unfortunately, it’s often women judging other women, when it comes to casual sex. Girls, especially those with long-time partners, sometimes feel that their sexually-free friends must have no self-respect, or low self-esteem, to be able to have sex with no ‘girlfriend benefits’. Worse still, people imagine you’re simply letting yourself be used when a guy doesn’t have to do anything else but have sex with you.

Unless someone truly has issues from a range of emotional traumas, this couldn’t be further from the truth.  You’re not having sex to feel better about yourself, you’re doing it because you want to do it and you’re horny goddamit! Think about this – it’s not actually possible to be used for sex when you’re the one doing it for your own enjoyment.

“You can’t be used for sex, when you’re the one doing it for the right reasons”

Just remember, it’s a very big possibility that anyone with this opinion of you, is more than a tad jealous of your sexual freedom.

Myth – Women having sex outside of committed relationships will cheat on future partners

High-value women like having friends with benefits because they choose to, on their own terms. To think this indicates some kind of sex addiction or uncontrollable urge to sleep around, is ignorant, to say the least. Just like men, there are times in life when a relationship is what you want, but others when you’d like to delve into different experiences.

This myth takes double standards to a whole new level, considering it’s always been deemed normal for men to experiment as much as they want. In fact, guys are encouraged to, by society at large. Empower yourself to make your own decisions and leave the double standards where they belong – firmly in the past.

Okay, now that we’ve debunked the myths, you can keep your self-respect right where it belongs – safe in your own hands.

Let’s move on to how to do friends with benefits, to keep it that way.

1. Do It For Yourself

If you kept believing these types of myths, therefore buying into them, you’d feel guilty and chip away at your own self-esteem – for absolutely no reason. Go beyond the judgements and really think about why you’re doing it, for you. Do you love sex and want a friend to share your passion with? Great reason. Are you interested in sexual experimentation, but you’re not up for a boyfriend right now? Fantastic reason. Just really horny? Cool!

There are many, many reasons why this type of situation would benefit you. Rather than think about what others might feel or say, focus on what you’ll get out of it. That way, you can create the situation you want, without unnecessary interference that only serves to create complications, for your own emotional wellbeing.

2. Be Clear With Your Intentions

When you want to do friends with benefits, it’s time to get brutally honest with yourself, before you go into it. Make sure you’re totally fine with having no expectations of whether or not your relationship will move into commitment territory. If you go in hoping for more, even secretly in your heart of hearts, your mindset’s probably not in the right place for this type of deal.

Having said that, everyone knows people who’ve progressed into relationships, after being friends with benefits. It can and does happen. But, it’s not the initial intent and if you’ve got your heart set on casual sex turning into the love of your life, you’re probably setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.

Make sure you’re going in with the right intentions.

Indications of expectations might include pre-empting or hoping for texts (rather than sexts) from him, getting jealous if he mentions other girls, thinking about him all the time and waiting for him to call rather than going out and doing something. These are ‘strings’ so to speak, which attach themselves to emotional relationships, not casual situations. Understanding what you’re going into, from the outset, means you can enjoy it for what it is, 100 percent of the time.

3. Always Safe Sex

There’s really no such thing as ‘no risk sex’. When you’re doing friends with benefits, it’s so important to practice safe sex, for reasons that probably won’t pop into your head when you’re ripping each other’s clothes off every second Wednesday night.

Obviously, there’s the STD thing. Always remember that the nature of friends with benefits isn’t often exclusive. That’s the whole no strings attached part. Therefore, you’re putting yourself at risk of catching something you definitely don’t want, if you don’t use protection.

Also, there’s the whole pregnancy thing…

4. Do It On Your Terms

Always remember that sex is, and always will be, more abundant for women than it is for men. Why? So that you don’t fall into the trap of being at his beck and call, every time he texts you to come over at midnight. This is your experience and he’s your booty call. Take full control of that and don’t think you have to respond to him every time he gets the urge if that’s not what you’re up for.

“This is on your terms and, basically, he can take it or leave it.”

You’re worth every second he gets to spend with you and you’re absolutely allowed to drive the situation at your own convenience. Don’t feel guilty about not being able to see him when he wants to and, by all means, don’t change your plans to do so. Those compromises are sometimes necessary in relationships when your lives are entangled, but doing friends with benefits is, beautifully, a whole lot less complicated.

If you start feeling inclined to bend to his will, remember all the reasons you’re doing it, for yourself. Sure, he can do the booty call thing if he wants, but you don’t have to be available. This is on your terms and, basically, he can take it or leave it. More than likely, he’ll take it.

5. Be Willing To Switch Him Out

The ‘benefit’ part of friends with benefits is basically the whole point of casual sex with a guy. You both want to enjoy each other sexually, or else there’s nothing much else on the agenda. If, for whatever reason, you’re not sexually satisfied, it’s definitely time to move on to another friend.

If you find it hard to do this, even though your orgasms are far and few between, have a think about why. Have you developed feelings for him? Do you feel bad about telling him you don’t want to see him anymore? Is the friend’s part overtaking the sex part? It’s understandable but totally counterproductive to doing friends with benefits. Don’t be scared to re-evaluate the scenario, whenever and however you need to.

6. Have Fun!

Put doing friends with benefits in the same category as bungee jumping, skydiving, swimming in the ocean, learning something new or hanging out with your friends. Above all, it’s meant to be fun, exhilarating and…beneficial! Feelings like guilt have no place in the land of benefits.

Only you can decide whether or not you want to buy into redundant views about female sexuality, or fully embrace the sexually liberated woman you are. Sexually or otherwise, self-empowerment is what it’s all about and you have every right to be who you are, with who you want, on your own terms.



Meet Mark Rosenfeld

The Dating & Relationship Breakthrough Coach For Women

For the past 7 years, I’ve coached hundreds of women just like you. Whether you are working through a breakup, looking for your life partner or pursuing a better relationship with yourself — I have the tools and strategies you need to deepen your connections, increase your fulfillment and sustain meaningful relationships.

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