We’ve all met that woman who owned the room from the moment she set foot in the door. Who flitted from interaction to interaction and had men introducing themselves without any real effort on her part. Everywhere she went she made men feel comfortable while you watched on as they warmed to her like bees to honey. Worse – she probably captured the attention of the one guy you were interested in.

How did she do it?

More importantly, why is it when you go out, the only guys who talk to you are the drunks and the creepers?

Today I’m answering a question I receive all too often…

“How do I get the guy I WANT to approach me?”

We’ll get straight to it with a hard truth I’ve learned over my years teaching dating. One that you probably won’t like.

Men are not the ones initiate romantic interactions.

I’ll say that again.

Men do not initiate romantic interactions. It’s the woman who kicks things off.

Wait. What?

 “Guys just never approach me. I go out and the only men that come over to me are drunks or creepers.”

That’s a statement I hear a lot.

If you’ve made this declaration or anything like it, you’ve fallen victim to a common dating myth amongst women.

The myth that men are the ones who initiate interactions. You believe you play a passive role – waiting at the mercy of a man to be ‘the initiator’.

Believing this myth IS the reason why men haven’t been approaching you.

Here’s the truth.

If men aren’t approaching you and you can’t figure out why, it’s because you’re expecting them to take all the risk while you take none. You’re handing over power of initiation to them, only to find the men you want don’t get the hint.

The drunks and the creepers will take it upon themselves, rare cases where men initiate with no invitation from you. Look at the results. These are approaches you would happily do without.

“If men aren’t approaching you and you can’t figure out why, it’s because you’re expecting them to take all the risk while you take none.”

If you want quality men to approach you, your best bet is to meet them in the middle by giving them helping hand.

“So wait!” I hear you asking. “Are you telling me I can only meet a good guy if I walk over to him?!?!”.

Don’t worry, I’m not.

He still walks over and does the hard yards.

True initiation happens before he starts to walk over.

Before he begins that wayward trot, it’s on you to get him taking the first step. It’s on you to communicate he is safe to come over. It’s on you to initiate.

“If you want quality men to approach you, your best bet is to meet them in the middle by giving them helping hand.”

If you get it right, he will.

Why can’t he just come over himself?

“If he doesn’t have the balls to approach me, he doesn’t deserve me”

This is another declaration I hear a lot from women.

Unfortunately, such a statement misunderstands how men are wired and fails to empathise with the male brain in what could otherwise be a wonderful, loyal and respecting human being.

Human’s didn’t do their evolving in the last 100 years. We came to be the way we are because of the 100,000 years before that.

We evolved living in tribes that contained an average of 100 people. That means 50 or so females. When you rule out those who were too old, too young, too sick, or taken, it left less than 10 viable, breeding age women for the men to compete for.

This tiny breeding pool represented these men’s options for their entire lives.

Worse, all of these women knew each other.

And you thought you lived in a small world?

With a breeding pool that averaged ~10, the news of any man’s rejection would spread quickly to the other 9 women, crippling his chances of being with any of them.

One rejection. Ten rejections. No more options.

A man could literally blow his life’s breeding chances with a single mistimed approach.

Evolutionary speaking, the smart men learned to hesitate. They learned fear of approaching. They learned to pick their moments. One wrong move, and that was it. Approaching a woman literally became life or death.

Today’s men, descendants of those men, still carry much of their evolutionary circuitry. Approaching a woman isn’t life or death, right? Think again. This is why most men consider walking along the edge of a cliff less scary than approaching a group of attractive women.

“…most men consider walking along the edge of a cliff less scary than approaching a group of attractive women.”

This is a concept you need to understand before you make a statement, such as, “If he doesn’t have the balls to approach me, he doesn’t deserve me.” It’s as ridiculous as him saying “If she’s scared to meet me alone at night, she’s too fearful to be worth dating”. An equally ludicrous statement that fails to understand and empathise with female evolutionary psychology.

Now you know the fear men deal with in approaching you – you’re better equipped to understand how to circumvent it and get a guy you want to approach.

Here’s a rule to live and love by:

Men only approach women when they believe their chances of success are high.

No one likes rejection. If he thinks that’s what will happen, or if there’s even a reasonable chance, he won’t move an inch.

In an ideal world, he’d just read your mind and come over, no signals necessary.

But in his ideal world, you would invite him over with a bright smile on your face, and life would be easy for him, too.

His fear doesn’t make him less of a man. It makes him a born and bred man in every sense of the word.

Your art – as a woman – is to make the man you like believe his chances of success are high enough that he would risk putting his neck on the line and beat his hard-wired programming to walk over and introduce himself.

I know. I’m making this sound like a lot of work.

Before you go lamenting what I’m asking of you, remember that the outer work is still all him. The risk of rejection – all him. The butterflies in the stomach as he tries to keep the conversation going – all him.

It’s only fair you do a little work too, right?

So how do you initiate? How do you make yourself approachable?

I’m glad you asked.

You initiate by utilizing your three best flirting tools.

1. Your eyes

Your eyes are your most powerful initiation tool.

Eye contact from a beautiful woman can make men do and feel things they never dreamed of. If you want to initiate the men you like to approach you, using your eyes is an absolute must.

How? It depends on the scenario, but here’s some good guidelines:

When he catches your eyes – Hold it! For 2, 3, or 4+ seconds.

It’s our instinct to look away when someone catches our eyes. The problem is, in flirting, this conveys a lack of both interest and confidence.

Repeat it within 5-10 minutes.

Some men will doubt a single piece of eye contact from a woman, even if it’s strong! Make your initiation unapologetically obvious by repeating yourself within the next 5 minutes.

The less ‘flirty’ environment it is, the more you’ll need.

You might get away with a 2-second glance at a nightclub, but most guys will need a lot more than that if you’re at the supermarket.

Remember – you’re communicating an invite. “I like you. You’re safe to come over. Now come and say hi to me.”

2. Your Smile

Eye contact alone can get weird if you don’t add this second important caveat.

Remember, the goal is to get the guy to approach you by initiating the interaction. What further, better way to appear inviting and approachable than with a heartwarming smile?

A friendly, cheeky, or even a ‘you-caught-me-looking-at-you’ smile work wonders with men. Smile constantly at guys you find attractive, and you’ll be amazed how many (especially with eye contact!) take it as permission to approach you.

3. Your energy

Your energy through the room is your third initiation tool. You’ll have seen it in action with the woman who walks in and owns the room. Her warm, inviting energy draws in those around her and leaves nearby men wondering “Who is that woman?”.

When your energy is positive, you’ll be emotionally expressive in your interactions. You’ll be smiling, making eye contact and have open body language to those around you. Even the most oblivious man will notice you and feel comfortable in your presence.

Hopefully, you now realise that getting approached by the guys you want isn’t actually about the guys. It’s about you. You’re the real engineer. The master puppeteer. You make yourself approachable and use the incredible tools you have to invite him over to talk to you, then, it’s on him to make the walk and feel like he did all the work.

The power is in your hands. Once you learn how to initiate with the men you want and get them to approach you, the dating world is literally your oyster. You’ll be able to walk into any bar, social gathering, or everyday venue and have the art of initiating down pat. True freedom in dating is meeting anyone you want at any time, and that’s the power you have, once you know how to get a guy to approach you.