“Boyfriend benefits” is a term I use frequently in my content and seminars. Men commit to a relationship because they perceive the benefits of doing so – of having you in their life – outweigh the perceived drawbacks of commitment. In other words, he likes being with you more than he likes being single. 
The focus, from women, is frequently on sex. “Hold off sex and that will make him want to commit.” Not only does this attitude discredit and ignore the real boyfriend (relationship) benefits you offer a man, but it increases the chance he’ll ghost after sex, because you’ll internalise that you’ve given away ‘the best’.
Since publishing “How to Make Him Chase You”, one question I keep getting is this…
“Mark, you talk about not giving men all the benefits of a relationship before you’re actually in one. What does that balance look like? I don’t understand how to find that balance without playing hard to get?”
Finding the ‘dating’ balance.
How do you let a man ‘sample’ what it would be like to have you as a girlfriend, without giving away the whole package AND without playing hard to get/holding back?
Let me give you a metaphor with which to think about the problem.
Gym’s don’t play hard to get.
When you enter a gym, the service staff greet you. To entice you to sign up as a
member, they give you a gift. It’s a free pass. A little card that gives you FULL access, but only for a limited number of visits.
Notice, they don’t restrict parts of the gym (e.g., The weights room) and give you free lifetime access to the cardio room or classes. That model wouldn’t work, because people would just pick the parts they liked, stay on the free package, and never upgrade their memberships. The gym would get ‘used’.
The way gyms do it is more intelligent. The free pass you’ve been given means you can experience ALL the benefits of a gym the way a member can, but only members get priority and unrestricted access. That’s how it works, and it’s very effective. It makes people want to sign up.
Gym’s don’t play hard to get. They just have healthy priorities. And so should you.
How to Apply This in Your Dating Life
What does that balance look like? Here’s some practical examples of how a “Unlimited access but limited visits” pass looks compared to a “Limited Access but unlimited visits” pass.
Boyfriend Benefit #1: Support and Love 
Healthy Balance:
When he’s around you, he gets a wonderful, caring supporter, who is interested to hear about his life and pick him up when he has the occasional tough day. When your focus is on him, you hold nothing back, just as if you were his girlfriend.
You don’t, however, take on the responsibility of picking him up on a full-time basis. The days you’re not with him, you prioritise other activities, people, and ‘you’ time because you’re aware that, as a man you’re only seeing casually, you’re not his full-time source of love and support.
“…as a man you’re only seeing casually, you’re not his full-time source of love and support.”
Too much:
You’re always ‘on call’ as a good girlfriend would be. He gets used to you dropping whatever you’re doing to support him anytime he is feeling down, coming over on short notice to help him. You put supporting and loving him as one of the highest priorities in your life, even though you’re not in a relationship with him.
Boyfriend Benefit #2: Companionship
Healthy Balance:
You’re a wonderful companion. When he’s around you, he feels like he has a best friend. You joke, you play, you share experiences. You stay up for hours in bed talking or discussing life. When you’re free, you text each other funny details about your day. You’re everything a guy could want in a best friend. Even though you love it, you’re not there every night. You don’t see him more than a couple of times a week, again, because you’re not his girlfriend. During the rest of your time, you focus your attention on other friends and activities and keep a healthy balance with other priorities.
Too much:
He can rely on you for the best friend experience whenever he needs it. You text him back when you’re with your friends or at work, rather than having healthy priorities and putting your phone away or on airplane mode. If he’s feeling lonely, he knows he can text or call and have you keep him company reliably. Because you enjoy it too, you quickly spend 5 nights a week hanging out with him the way a best friend and girlfriend would. It feels great for him and for you, until you realise you’re being used.
Boyfriend Benefit #3: Sex on Tap
Healthy Balance:
If you enjoy each other sexually, you do so because you’re comfortable doing it and because you want to. When he gets to have you, it’s some of the best sex he’s ever had. But it’s inconsistent, because you’re not there at his beck and call. You don’t end up there every time he wants you at his convenience. You have other things to do, other friends to see, and perhaps even other dates to go on. The great sex happens on your terms when it suits you, and he misses it when you’re not around.
Too much:
You like him and you like the sex. You’ve already slept together, so what does it matter? You spend most nights there. Saturday nights become less about the girls and more about leaving early to have more great sex. You figure you can take your work stuff most nights to his place, because it just feels so damn good. You’re there so often you can no longer think about the possibility of sleeping with anyone else, meanwhile, for some reason, he just won’t commit..
Boyfriend Benefit #4″ Security/Loyalty
Healthy balance:
What’s good for him is good for you. Even if part of you wants to, you don’t commit exclusivity to him (mentally or verbally) if he hasn’t done the same for you. You don’t tell him you’re not seeing other guys unless he says he’s not seeing other women. It’s not necessarily that you are, but if you have to wonder, so does he. That’s what self-respect is. 
Too much:
You really like him and want to show him how much, so you drop a line like “I’m just the sort of girl that only dates one guy at a time, you know?” within the first 2 dates. He gets the best benefit of a girlfriend (security) with no membership package. Phew, now HE can relax. He knows you’re not going anywhere, so he can safely explore his options.
Boyfriend Benefit #5: Excitement
Healthy balance:
Bit by bit, you bring him into your world. You invite him out to a night with friends, but not the next, because that’s your good friend’s birthday, and it’s all about her. You keep the plans you had prior to meeting him, but as time moves on, you invite him to more events as your date and to join you in various outings. Over time, he gets to experience more of the world and excitement he can expect if he’s lucky enough to earn the label of “boyfriend”.
“Bit by bit, you bring him into your world.”
Too much:
You like him, so you bring him along to every night out. If he’s not there from the start, you’re constantly texting him, rather than talking to the people around you, so you can find him later in the evening. You figure you can hang with him, instead of attend that party or networking event you supposed to go to. You’re not that close with that girl anyway, right? Soon, your life has gone from 4-5 fun things a week to 4-5 nights a week with him, cancelling the things you used to love or involving him in all of them.
What this all comes down to is simple – priorities. When you spend time with a man, for those hours with him, he becomes a top priority. That’s the taste he gets of the real boyfriend experience. It’s the feeling you get when you use your free pass and get unlimited access to the whole gym for a day. It’s great, but it doesn’t last forever. It’s a light that shines until time runs out and other priorities return. When that light is taken away, as you go off and live the life you’ve built, you leave him missing you and thinking about that elusive full membership.
Keep your priorities healthy, value what you bring to the life of a man, and in no time at all, you’ll have quality men wondering how they can chase you into the relationship of their dreams.
