If you’ve been ‘played’ more than once, chances are you’d like to avoid that smooth talker next time round. Luckily, not all charming men are players. It’s all about spotting the telltale signs to sort out who’s Prince Charming and who’s just using those silky smooth tones to get what he wants. Yep, that’s usually sex and if a few mind games help a player get there, he’ll go there too.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with straight up sex between two people who are on the same page about what it is. The problems start when you feel confused about what he says versus what he does. This usually means he’s deliberately misleading you as a way of keeping you on that string…and safely within his pool of options. If your intuition is pinging with red flags and you’re not happy with being an option, it’s time to listen to it.
It’s oh so true that actions speak louder than words. So, before you get emotionally invested with a player again, here are 10 things you need to watch out for.
1. He doesn’t see you if sex isn’t possible
He tells you how gorgeous you are, texts you once a day and makes you feel like you’re the only girl in the world when you’re together. But, do you ever catch up with him just to hang at the beach, go for a hike or have a coffee before work? In other words, if a date doesn’t include the possibility of having sex, do you ever see him?
This one’s a bit of a no-brainer and won’t require any detective work. If he’s not interested in seeing you outside of the bedroom, it’s a pretty clear sign he’s playing you.
2. He guards his phone like a dog guards its bone
A player’s dating world revolves around his phone. After all, it can take quite a bit of juggling to keep multiple fish dangling on hooks, especially if those fish require some attention to stay hooked. Then, there’s always a new ‘catch of the day’ to go fishing for, and the phone is his ocean. Now, when you first start seeing him he might be multi-dating and that’s OK. Hopefully, you are too!
The problems start when you notice that he’s overly aware of his phone, never leaves it with you even for a quick wee break and walks away to answer texts. If he’s telling you that he’s not seeing anyone else and this behaviour continues, it’s a clear red flag that you’re not the only fish in the sea for him. Still confused? Just compare his behaviour with his phone to your own. You don’t think twice about leaving it on the table next to him while you jump in the shower, right? Take notice if you ever see his phone sitting all alone without him.
3. You’ve never been out of the house with him
This one’s easy to miss when you first start seeing a new guy, especially when things are all hot and heavy. It just makes sense to either be at his place or yours if you can’t keep your hands off each other. With Netflix, home-cooked dinners or video games before or after, it often feels like there’s something going on other than just sex.
If you haven’t been out of the house with him after a few home dates though, you might want to give it a try. A player can be in lovey dovey boyfriend mode with you at home, but it’s not likely he’s going to risk being seen outside the house with you, especially in his hometown. When he’s actually cancelling dates out to invite you over or come to yours instead, it’s a strong sign he’s a player.
4. You’re really, really turned on by him
It’s such a good thing to be turned on by the guy you’re seeing and you wouldn’t want it any other way! So, if you don’t see any other signs of him being a player, totally ignore this one. If you’re fantasising about him every second you’re not with him though, come out of the haze for a moment to take a good look at where you’re at with him.
The problem is, when we’re really turned on our judgement can get clouded. All those flashbacks keep you safely spellbound and blinded to the signs, which is one of the reasons players can get away with what they do. Just like any drug, amazing sex is addictive and it’s hard to see beyond those feelings. Remember that great sex doesn’t necessarily mean he has an emotional connection towards you, even if that’s how he makes you feel.
5. He makes plans he doesn’t follow through with
Unlike a guy that’s just outright using you for sex – meaning he hardly makes any effort to do anything but – a player is a little more skilled at keeping you hooked. He might agree to come to your friend’s party next weekend, go out to dinner with you on Wednesday night or even invite you to his upcoming events in the near future.
The issue is, his events always get cancelled or he has to drive someone to the airport instead of coming to yours. If he’s consistently making plans he can’t follow through on, it’s likely you’re dealing with a player. A guy who’s truly interested in getting to know you probably isn’t going to cancel. If he has to, it’ll be for a very good reason and it certainly won’t be a regular thing.
Although he’s got a harem waiting in the wings, he doesn’t necessarily want you out there doing the same thing.
6. He gets jealous of other men without giving you full investment
The thing with players is, they usually want the proverbial ‘cake and eating it too’ scenario. So, that means that although he’s got a harem waiting in the wings, he doesn’t necessarily want you out there doing the same thing. It’s easy to tell if this is the deal because he’ll play up and get insecure when talk of other guys comes up.
On the flip side, he’ll very skillfully and smoothly dodge any convos about other women. Or, he’ll casually put all women mentioned into the, ‘she’s just a friend from school’, category. If this sounds familiar to you, your player senses should definitely be tingling.
7. He gets caught off guard if he ever runs into you unexpectedly
When you run into a man who’s sincerely into you, you’ll likely see him light up, whether it’s from a genuine smile or a spontaneous hug. A player, on the other hand, tends to look genuinely surprised rather than pleased to see you unexpectedly. He might act weird, nervous, rushed or all of the above. Unless he’s just been involved in some kind of unusual situation, what he’s showing you is that he’s not that thrilled to see you outside of the house…because he’s playing you.
8. He gets frustrated or despondent when you challenge or reject him
This type of emotionally immature behaviour is a red flag in any person and an outright giveaway of a player. As long as he thinks he has you where he wants you, he’ll be the charming guy of your dreams. However, if he chooses you as his target and then you choose not to sleep with him, don’t expect a respectful reaction to your decision.
Players aren’t used to rejection or not getting their own way. In many cases, players have deeply rooted insecurity issues and fear-based thought patterns that lead to the behaviour in the first place. Just like anyone operating from insecurity, he’ll tell himself you’re a waste of time, he’ll use that same excuse as a cover to his friends and he might even insult you to your face. Obviously, a hint of this type of behaviour is your cue to turn and walk away.
9. Sex is one-directional
He might be really hot to look at and have an arsenal of romantic words that literally make you swoon, but what does he do for you in bed? Are you enjoying yourself as much as he is, or are you putting in all the effort to please him? Hopefully, you’re not in a situation that’s all give and no take.
But, if you are, it’s a very strong sign a guy is using you for his own kicks and has no intention of taking you or the relationship out of the room. Seriously ask yourself why you’re bothering to have sex with a guy like this (more than once) in the first place. It might be time to work on your own self-confidence, in order to attract the type of sexual relationship you deserve.
10. He’s smooth AF when he’s with you, but distant when he’s not
When you spend time together he’s so lovely and charming that you’re constantly melting. However, when you’re not together, you’re intuition pricks up because he feels, and possibly sounds, so different. It might be because he’s consistently unresponsive, always offering weird excuses for being absent or just totally ghosting you for hours at a time. This type of behaviour just doesn’t match up to the feelings you have when you’re with him. Yep, you’re probably staring at the many faces of a player.
Any and all of these signs can indicate a player. At the end of the day, what matters is how you feel about your situation with him. If you’re really not interested in taking it further anyway, you can put it down to fun and step away when you like. However, if you feel a twinge of emotional investment towards him and his behaviour sets your intuitive alarm bells ringing…believe the alarms.
Don’t waste your time waiting for him to change or to suddenly fall in love with you. Walk away and get back into the dating scene. If he really is Prince Charming, his actions will let you know and they’ll feel a lot more powerful than Casanova’s silky words.
