Every day, I hear from women who feel stuck. Who aren’t happy with what’s happening in the bedroom, but are at a loss as to how to fix it.
It would be a vast understatement to say that sex is a sensitive topic to the male ego. The topic is so sensitive that many women would rather put their heads in the sand than confront their man about the issue. This, of course, is a failing strategy in the long term, inevitably leading many women down the path of deep resentment towards their partner.
The good news is you can avoid hurting his feelings while still getting what you want in the bedroom. The following is my 8-step strategy I’ve coached many women through on how to give effective sexual feedback to a man, without emasculating him or putting him on the defensive.
1. Understand the validation men get from sex
Before you do anything, it’s important to get your head around this concept. It’s impossible to overstate the importance of sex to the male ego. If he’s exclusive to you, you are literally the only person who can validate him as a man. YOU are his entire source of good feelings about his masculinity. If you come down on him too harshly, he’s likely to withdraw, not want to have sex, and perhaps even cheat.
Think about how often a typical man talks about sex with his male friends. Men share sex stories like women share clothes. I’m sure you’ll agree it’s hard to imagine any man wanting to share with his mates his inability to please you.
“It’s impossible to overstate the importance of sex to the male ego.”
Issues like this for men are emasculating. It’s a massive hit to the ego and a secret men keep well and truly to themselves. Approach it in the most sensitive way possible.
2. He probably knows there’s an issue
Men can be simple creatures, but we’re pretty cluey when it comes to this stuff. If you’re not satisfied, it’s likely your man knows about it. If you’re faking orgasms so he doesn’t know about it, stop. He can’t improve if he believes there isn’t a problem.
3. Ensure you can please yourself 
There’s little hope for him if you can’t make it happen yourself. To some women, going away to masturbate when they’re in a committed relationship seems like a strange concept, like they’re betraying their man. I assure you, you are not. The unsatisfying sex will continue as long as you can’t please yourself. Take the time to learn how your body works and what you enjoy by going to a relaxed place where you can feel your body without interruption. Do it regularly, until you feel comfortable letting yourself go. Once you’re capable of this, you’ll be able to guide him through it.
4. Guide him gently during sex and reward improvements
You don’t want your initial feedback to be harsh. A lot of men will respond well if you guide them in the right direction and reward their improvements. If he’s doing something that isn’t up to scratch, take his hand and guide him. Be verbal and physical. “I love it when you…” are your best 5 words to utilize here.
“‘I love it when you…’ are your best 5 words to utilize here.”
Once he learns what you like and how to do it your man will love his new ability to please you. Other great verbal feedback words might be “slower”, “faster” or “right there.” These all tell the guy exactly what you like being done (and not done!!) without being too critical. If he’s going down on you, verbal is your only source of feedback for him, so use it. Remember, if he’s getting it right, he only wants one kind of reward. You making the appropriate sounds.
5. Chat to him outside of sex, while making it about you
If you’ve been able to enjoy yourself on your own, but despite repeated attempts at ‘during sex’ feedback, you still can’t with him, it’s time to chat to him at a time when the two of you aren’t between the sheets. Pick your moment. Don’t do it when the two of you have somewhere to be or when one of you is flustered. Select a time when you know you can finish the conversation and when both partners can enter it level-headed.
When you start the conversation, spare his ego by framing it as your problem, rather than his. Compare “I need you to do better” with “Baby, I really need your help with something.” When you say you need his help, you evoke a man’s ‘damsel in distress’ instinct. It’s a call for him to be your knight in shining armour. You want to inspire him to man up, not shoot his manhood down.
“You want to inspire him to man up, not shoot his manhood down.”
Tell him, for example, you need his help because you’ve found yourself struggling to let go during sex. At this point, he’ll often be asking, “Right, what can I do? How can I help?”, rather than curling up into a defensive ego-driven masculine ball.
If a woman told me, “You need to do better because right now you can’t make me come”, I’d want to curl up into a ball. If she said, “Baby, I need your help… I think there’s a couple of things you can do… and if you do, I’m going to be able to come with you…” I’d be running around the house scrambling for a notepad to ensure I miss none of what she’s about to say.
6. Communicate just how serious the problem is
If the subtler approaches and sit-down conversations haven’t helped, it’s time to get serious with him and tell it like it is. This is where you lose the subtleties and clarify that this is an issue for you, but still an issue you want to work on with him.
“Baby, I really (like/love) you. Everything else is perfect with us, but the sex thing is really affecting my feelings about this. I want to enjoy our sex, but I’m finding it really hard to do so when ________. It’s honestly making me not want to have sex at all. I want to have the craziest, most mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had with you. Will you work on it, for me?”
You could even add, “And please let me know if there’s anything I can do better that you would enjoy.”
Have this conversation a few times. This conversation is worth repeating to get the message across.
7. Communicate it’s a deal breaker (consider couples counseling)
If all the subtle approaches haven’t had an impact. If he’s ignored your guidance, if making it about you didn’t disarm his ego, if chatting to him nicely didn’t help and there was still fleeting or no improvement following you communicating how serious this issue is to you… It’s time you put the hammer down. If you’ve completed all the prior steps, by now you will have had multiple conversations about sex, so this one shouldn’t come to him as a surprise.
“Having this conversation at a couple’s councilor or psychologist – if he’s willing – will improve your chances of success markedly.”
“I’ve tried to tell you again and again how important this issue is to me, and I don’t feel like there’s been any real changes. I want us to work, but I’m at the end of my tether. If I matter at all to you, then you’ll put in the effort to improve for me, and I’ll stay yours. But you need to know that, even though I (like/love) you, if you’re not willing to put in the effort for me, then there’s plenty of men out there that will. I’m giving you this last chance to change for me; otherwise, you’re going to lose me.”
Having this conversation at a couple’s councilor or psychologist – if he’s willing – will improve your chances of success markedly.
8. Pull the plug 
Do you want to spend your life with a man who isn’t satisfying you and has showed no interest in changing? If you’ve repeatedly attempted to help him during sex, given him feedback outside of it, and communicated how serious the situation is to you, told him it was a deal breaker for you, and still he’s done nothing but continue to be defensive, stone wall, and be closed to suggestions, it’s time to follow through on your promise. Sadly, some guys will not get the message they need to improve until women follow their words with action. You said it was a deal breaker, so break the deal.
Women can experience more frequent, intense, and fulfilling sexual pleasure than a man ever can. Life is too short to spend time with a partner who isn’t interested in putting his insecurities aside to help you enjoy that. You only get one body… don’t spend years missing the pleasure it can give you. The best thing about this ladder is you give him every chance to improve along the way, rather than dropping him out of nowhere and leaving him floored. Work through these 8 steps with him, and if by the end of it he’s still not willing to try to please you, have the respect for yourself to find a man that will.
