Do you have a sneaking feeling that you’re giving much more to a guy, than what you’re getting back? If so, you’re probably looking for signs, good or bad, to figure out how he really feels about you. As in, is he using you for his own benefit, or does he see a future with you? Just asking this is your first giant red flag that something’s not quite right, so it pays to keep the investigation going.
You might have watched the videos on how to spot and avoid players. However, being used by a guy is different, and often much more dangerous. Players tend to focus in on the sex and their actions towards you are mainly geared towards getting just that. However, men can use you for any of the boyfriend benefits, including sex on tap, loyalty, excitement and love.
Being played for sex isn’t much fun, but it’s a sting you get over pretty quickly. Unfortunately, being used for your love can last much longer and cut much deeper. So, before you go any further with a man who’s taking advantage of you, here are ten clear signs a guy is using you.
1. He only wants to see you on his terms
Think about how often your man agrees to your suggestions for catching up. If you’re struggling to remember a time when he’s gone out of his way to see you, you’ve stumbled on a huge sign that he’s using you. In a positive relationship, both people balance out time spent together, in terms of taking turns to fit into each other’s schedules.
If he sets the rules for when you get to see him and everything revolves around his schedule, it’s time to consider why. Generally, a man who’s using you won’t go out of his way to see you if it’s not 100% convenient for him. On the flip side, a guy who’s truly into you will do his best to arrange the busiest of schedules to make it work, just as you would.
A man who’s using you simply doesn’t care about giving to you, even if the relationship isn’t focused on sex. He might want emotional support, companionship or help in some way. For example, I had a client who had a child with a taken man. He wouldn’t make time to see the two of them, other than once a week for two hours on a Saturday.
She needed more, but he was refusing to give it. Note that they weren’t having sex. He was using her for support and her exclusivity, without offering her nearly enough in return. Relationships, in any form, are a two-way street. Therefore, if you’re rarely on the receiving end of benefits, chances are he’s using you.
2. He regularly or only drunk texts you
How a guy communicates with you regularly offers telltale signs as to how he really feels about you. It’s one thing to spend time with each other having a few drinks. But, if you only ever hear from him when he’s drinking or drunk, it’s an obvious sign that he’s using you. Don’t fall into the trap of believing those ‘loving’ words we’ve all word-vomited after a few too many beers.
This type of behaviour is typical of players, especially when it’s followed by an invite over to his place at midnight. Even without the booty call though, a guy who’s using you could be calling for validation, out of boredom or just to check that you’re available to him. Whatever his reasons are, if he’s drunk more often than sober when he contacts you, take it as a valid red flag.
3. He doesn’t future project at all
When a man really likes you, he wants to give you the impression that he wants to see you again. This might be as simple as suggesting a movie he’d like to see with you or inviting you to a festival next month. He’ll initiate future dates and you’ll see how keen he is to lock in plans that you suggest.
A guy who’s using you will do the opposite. He’ll offer vague responses to your suggestions for a date. When he does tell you he’ll meet you somewhere, there’s usually an excuse as to why he can’t make it. He doesn’t talk about the future in a way that relates to you, even if it’s just about the coming weekend.
This might go further, in that he doesn’t even talk to you about important things in his future. You might see a social media post about something big that he’s doing, or hear about it from someone else. What all of this means is that you’re not really a part of his life and he doesn’t have plans to bring you into it in a meaningful way.
4. Sex is all about him
A guy who’s only self-serving in the bedroom is a guy who’s using you – or an extremely selfish person. Either way, this is enough of a red flag to stop your search for signs and move on from him right now. Intimacy is a two-way street. If you’re putting in a lot of effort to please him but he doesn’t seem to care whether you’re happy or not, you’re missing out on one of the most beautiful aspects of relationships.
When a man really likes you he wants you to fantasize about him. He takes pride in catering to your desires and loves to see you happy. He wants to feel connected to you, not just to the outcome for himself. There are so many men out there who’d jump at the chance to please you in bed! Don’t waste time being taken advantage of by a man who’s clearly using you for his own pleasure.
5. He won’t add you on his social media
If a man doesn’t add you or blocks you on social media, something’s gotta be up, right?
Many players get a kick out of being players, so you’ll often see all their female ‘friends’ commenting on those shirtless selfies in the mirror. It’s pretty easy for a player to keep everyone in rotation, simply by making each girl feel like she’s the only one who’s important to him. Still, it takes some effort and a serious amount of texting.
A guy who’s using you doesn’t want to put in this effort and he generally doesn’t want you to know about what’s going on in his life. He wants to keep that distance between you both, to keep the ball firmly in his court and performing only in a way that suits him. If a man doesn’t add you or blocks you on social media, something’s gotta be up, right?
6. All your time together is one-on-one
When you’ve been seeing someone for more than a month or two, there’s usually a natural flow towards meeting each other’s friends and family. Whether it happens randomly at the local pub or he invites you to a mate’s place for a barbecue, merging lives in this way is pretty inevitable and something most of us love doing. So, do you two go out in public together, or do you only catch up at home?
If you’ve never hung out in a group or met anyone in his life – or if your besty is nagging you about when she’s finally going to meet him – those alarm bells should be ringing. A man who really likes you wants to delve into your life when he has the opportunity, just like you do with his. When he’s not interested in doing this after dating for a while, it’s likely he’s not interested in much more than using you.
7. He rarely stays the night, or asks you to leave afterwards
Obviously, this one relates to being used primarily for sex. It’s important to note that if you’re enjoying the sex for you, it’s not possible for him to use you. As long as you’re both aware that the connection is purely physical, you’re both benefiting from the situation and no one gets hurt.
If that’s not the case and he usually leaves straight after sex, or asks you to leave, it should be fairly clear what his intentions are. Be careful about confusing hot sex for an emotional connection. No matter how much he turns you on, a lack of action from him outside of the bedroom indicates that he’s using you for sex.
8. His character is inconsistent
Even if a guy is using you, he’ll still turn on the charm when he’s with you. Otherwise, he’d have no chance of getting what he wants. What you need to consider is how he acts otherwise. Is he often cold and distant on the phone? Is he flaky when it comes to getting back to messages or making plans? Does he look annoyed, surprised or uncomfortable if you randomly run into him in public?
A man who truly likes you won’t run hot and cold and won’t be vague about plans. Instead, he’ll show consistency when it comes to life outside of sex with you. There’s no point in analysing his mixed signals. If he’s sending them, something’s not right. When you find yourself constantly questioning his confusing behaviour, it’s likely he’s using you.
9. He’s not keen to be exclusive after enough time
A man with feelings for you wants to take you off the market and he’s willing to reciprocate. If you’ve connected in every way and it’s been anywhere from one to four months, it’s natural to move into exclusivity. In fact, this is the stage when it’s hard to think about anything else but each other!
If, after this time, he’s still evasive about it and doesn’t want to be exclusive to you, but you do, you could be seeing a range of red flags. He may be emotionally unavailable which, in itself, means you’re looking at an uncertain future of dealing with his issues. Or, he’s using you. Either way, it’s best to hightail it out of there.
10. Your intuition is telling you he’s using you
The fact that you’re reading this is, perhaps, the biggest sign that a guy is using you. Take a deep look at your own insecurities to determine if something’s off with him, or if you’re expecting too much, too soon. It’s easy to know the difference, because you’ll soon see that his actions make sense and your worries stem from future projecting or past hurts. There’s a big difference between a man who’s taking his time to get to know you and a man who’s expecting boyfriend benefits without reciprocating.
When things just don’t make sense with him, indicated by the signs above, your gut knows it even if you don’t mentally acknowledge it. Don’t push your intuition away by excusing his actions. The right guy won’t have you questioning his intentions in this way and he won’t display these signs.
If you knew a friend was being used by a guy, you’d tell her to get out of there, right? Be your own best friend, get back out there on the dating scene and don’t settle for anything less than the honest man you deserve.
