When you like a guy, take a moment to consider the impact of these top 12 things not to say to him. When you see it from the other side, you’ll soon realise why.
1. “I’m fiercely independent”
Fierce Indeed…
You’ve got a great career, a fun circle of friends, stamps in your passport and you know how to change a tyre. Or, maybe you don’t, but you’re getting there. Either way, you don’t need a man to help you get by in life. Independence is a wonderful thing. However, the fiercely, strongly, totally, wildly part of this statement is basically telling the guy you like that he’s of absolutely no use to you.
Feeling valueless and redundant doesn’t go down well, no matter who you are.
Think about your relationship with your friends. You give and receive help, cry on each other’s shoulders and compromise, without the need to express how independent you are. It’s nice to feel needed and, in turn, help others. A man’s willingness to help you isn’t necessarily about money or gender roles, but a sincere desire to express how much he likes you. If you squash this desire before he even gets to show you, he won’t want to be in your life.
2. “Look, I need to know what we are”
Imagine being a guy who’s about to kiss a girl after a couple of dates. He’s obviously excited and eager to push things forward. As he makes a move, you step back and say, “Look, I need to know what we are.” If you think he’s just after casual sex and that’s not what you’re looking for, by all means, stop the progress. However, if it’s because you’ve already been daydreaming about marriage and nothing less will do, your agenda is getting in the way of dating happiness, because you’ll push him away with that one sentence.
In fact, this ‘agenda’ is exactly the same as a man’s, when he’s only taking you out to dinner just to get you into bed. Regardless of the actual agenda, it doesn’t feel good to be the target of someone’s end goals and it certainly isn’t the way relationships flow. True connections happen naturally and can’t be forced, no matter how much you want a stable partner. Rather than worry about ‘what’ you are together, stay present, have fun and feel excitement, rather than pressure, about where it goes.
“True connections happen naturally and can’t be forced, no matter how much you want a stable partner.”
3. “Wait – can we turn the lights off?”
It can be a pretty scary thing, to reveal yourself in the buff for the first time. Everyone suffers similar nerves to some extent, whether it’s in bed or wearing swimmers after a long winter. However, if that’s why you’re asking a guy to turn the lights off, you need to realise the last thing he’s looking for, is body flaws.
In fact, he’s probably imagined you naked a hundred times and can’t wait to make his dreams come true. He already thinks you’re sexy, which is why you’re in his room in the first place. Your insecurities don’t belong in his fantasy of you and he won’t understand what you’ve possibly got to be worried about. Drop the negative thoughts about yourself and you’ll soon see, from his reaction, that you really had nothing to worry about in the first place.
4. “My ex was such an asshole”
When you’re dating, chances are you like to meet positive men who have respect for others. Guys are no different. No matter how badly your last relationship ended, comments about it have no place on the dating scene. Especially snarky remarks about how much of an asshole your ex was.
Saying so won’t make your date feel like he’s better than your ex. In fact, it’ll have the opposite effect. He’ll wonder why you’d date an asshole in the first place, what that says about him and if you’re the type of girl who just loves to bitch about people. If you’ve still got emotional baggage from your ex, it’s best to deal with it before dating again.
5. “A real man pays for a woman on a first date”
For the most part, men want to and do pay for women on a first date. It’s romantic, chivalrous and charming. However, if you feel entitled to such treatment, he’ll sense it. If you actually tell him he should pay, you can pretty much bet he won’t be back for seconds. There’s nothing worse than feeling unappreciated when you’re doing your best to make an impression.
Remember, that although paying on a first date is seen as a male tradition, it’s a gesture worthy of appreciation, rather than a rule that must be followed. You’re not entitled to it and, if he doesn’t pay, he may have a very valid reason – once of which includes worrying about offending your sense of independence.
6. “I don’t want to eat in front of you”
Eating is something we all do, every day, without any thought beyond what we’re going to make and how good it’ll taste. When you tell your date you don’t want to eat in front of him or just swirl food around your plate, it’s like putting an ‘I’m really insecure’ sign on your head.
Om nom nom nom…
Guys want to watch you enjoy food, especially if that means a fun, messy mealtime with heaps of laughs over saucy toppings. Eating isn’t a serious topic, so why care about his opinion, in any case? Forget the prim and proper picking and tuck in for enjoyment instead.
7. “Men are all the same.”
You may have experienced some frustrating relationships and dates that’ve ended in lonely nights waiting for a text. Even so, with all the proverbial fish in the sea, it stands to reason that men aren’t, in fact, all the same.
When you say this to a new date, you’re putting him in a box he doesn’t belong in. Even if you’re skeptical, that’s not his fault and he deserves a chance to be seen for him, rather than a product of his less-worthy male counterparts. Unfortunately, this is one of those sentences that’ll push him away and keep you in the cycle of attracting men with a negative attitude – like the one you’re holding on to.
8. “Men always flake on me”
Anything you tell a guy about yourself on a date, is basically what he’ll believe. Venting your concerns about men flaking on you, even if you’re just trying to find reassurance, will only make him think there might a good reason why it’s happening. Imagine if he told you that girls never answered his calls, after the first date?
Given that he’s not the man flaking on you, yet, there’s no point putting the concept in his head. If you do, chances are his instincts will lead him to do the same and you’ll find yourself in the same situation, all over again.
9. “I don’t really have any goals or ambitions”
One of the most exciting parts of dating is learning about someone new and feeling curious about their goals and ambitions. If you tell a man you don’t have any, it’s kind of like putting up a gigantic stop sign because there’s nowhere else to journey to.
He already likes the way you look, but he wants to know what’s behind the pretty smile and get involved in your life. Goals and ambitions don’t have to be about making heaps of money or having a high-powered career either, so don’t be scared to be yourself. If you love floristry, can’t wait to hit the surf every morning, make a mean pizza or adore your antiques, that’s cool! Express your passion, whatever it is and you’ll spark his interest.
Express your passion, whatever it is, and you’ll spark his interest.
10. “I’m so lucky you chose to date me”
Even if you’re thinking how lucky you are that a certain guy chose you for a date, telling him, initially, isn’t a good idea. Sure, maybe he’s gorgeous, active, motivated and intelligent. However, why does that make him better than you? By saying such a thing, you’re effectively admitting that you think he’s out of your league.
If you’re on a date, you already have proof that he likes you. The next step is to let it flow naturally, rather than try to hold onto it by gushing over him. At best, he’ll feel slightly embarrassed, at worst he’ll sub consciously agree that you’re the lucky one, rather than him.
11. “I could never date a guy with a small penis”
Commenting on a guy’s size, whether you’re joking or not, probably isn’t going to end in laughs. Imagine if your date said, “I only date girls with at least a D cup.” Do you feel like slapping someone, even just reading it?
Apart from being disrespectful, this type of comment is superficial enough to be cringe-worthy, no matter which way you look at it. Plus, it’s unsexy as hell, so the only thing you can be assured of is a non-existent second date.
Yes. You’re “Fine”.
12. “I’m fiiiiiine”
Wouldn’t it be great if men were mind readers who instantly sensed exactly what you needed when you needed it? Unless you happen to date a clairvoyant, it’s not likely to happen. Men want you to tell them what’s wrong, straight up, without the passive-aggressive lead up that only makes life more complicated.
Communication is the key to fulfilling relationships and it all starts with the ability to be honest about how you feel. The more you are, the more your man will learn to communicate well with you.
“Communication is the key to fulfilling relationships and it all starts with the ability to be honest about how you feel.”
When you recognise the difference between honest communication and ‘word vomit’ that comes from insecurity or nerves, you’ll overhaul your dating life, to become the one you deserve.
