Are You TOO Loyal? Here’s How To Know If Your Loyalty Has Gone TOO Far.
I’ve had many clients come to me over the past six years, and in that time, I’ve picked up on a variety of patterns that occur to either help or hinder a woman’s progress towards healthy relationship.
One thing I’ve seen again and again that I thought I’d blog about today is a woman who say “I am loyal to a fault.” If you’ve ever found yourself speaking these words, what I share here might apply to you (and even if you haven’t, you’ll probably find this interesting).
I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard a woman with good boundaries use this phrase.
In fact, when I hear “loyal to a fault”, I, as a coach, hear… “I have total loyalty to others and total disregard + abandonment of myself.”
Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, eh?
If all this relates to you, here’s a few coaching questions I’d recommend deep diving.
Q. How is your “loyal to a fault” actually going for you?
I’m sure it gets short term appreciation, but has it led to long term fulfillment in a healthy relationship with a man who respects you?
If it hasn’t, here’s a few more crackers for you to ponder…
1. How do you define loyalty?
For example, is it possible to be loyal to someone… AND walk away from them?
Can a secure, loyal and confident woman filter out shitty men? If so, how must her definition of ‘loyalty’ differ to yours?
These questions give clues as to how might you need to change your definition of loyalty.
2. How would you FEEL and what would you SAY to yourself if you were not loyal?
If you’re being honest, you’d probably feel guilty AF and be saying horrible things to yourself after “disloyalty”, which actually is the real issue for many of my over loyal, boundaryless clients.
If your definition of loyalty is completely inappropriate, AND you hate sitting with and are predisposed to guilt, AND you berate yourself every time you fall below your impractically high definition… well, with all that waiting for you, it’s no wonder you don’t want to be “disloyal”.
Don’t be loyal to a fault. Change your definition of loyalty to something more appropriate, and learn to befriend that precious emotion of guilt.
3. If you were more loyal to yourself and less loyal to others, what would that look like?
Imagine if you selfishly asked for all your deal breakers and set hard boundaries around anyone who demonstrated they weren’t willing/able to meet them. How would your life be different? What would change for you? How would you feel in the short and long term?
These questions give clues as to your potential if you have the courage to step beyond your “loyalty” into healthy selfishness.
4. What effects does unrestricted loyalty actually have?
Pretend I was your boyfriend, and I was loyal to you no matter HOW you treated me. You could control me, order me around, heck even use/abuse me if you wanted to (not that you would, just sayin’), how would you start to look at me as a man? Would you respect me?
Ofcourse not.
Think about it. What type of men actually are like that?
Weak-ass femiguys that aren’t attractive to most women.
I think you get the picture. Don’t be loyal to a fault. Change your definition of loyalty to something more helpful, and learn to befriend that precious emotion of guilt. You’re probably over sensitized (like many women) to that emotion, such that feeling 6/10 guilty ACTUALLY means you’re at a great amount of healthy selfishness.
If you want to work with me personally, you can via this LINK or grab a copy of my book HERE.
