“Ugh… Dating… Do I have to?”
Be honest, how often have you thought this? Ready the throw in the towel with dating, yet again.
I’ve said before on my blog: dating can be a lot like riding a roller coaster. Steep climbs followed by sudden, deep, crashing descents.
And that’s exactly the problem.
Roller coasters are a blast as a one-off in an amusement park,
But they effin’ suck to live on.
There are three core areas of life. Wealth. Health. and Relationships.
Think about this… Is your wealth a rollercoaster?
I hope not. If it is, it’s probably because you run a business, have a hyper responsible job, are a professional gambler or work for 100% commission – and any in any of these cases, you’ll know that there is only so much ‘rollercoaster’ you can take. Money rollercoasters suck – especially if rent is due.
Is your health a rollercoaster?
I really hope not. Having a health rollercoaster isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. Hopefully you exercise 3x per week, eat a decent diet, get enough sleep and keep these habits up long term so your health ISN’T a rollercoaster.
Are your relationships a rollercoaster?
See what I’m getting at here?
Rollercoasters SUCK. They can be fun, but ultimately, they aren’t good for us. If any of your three core areas of life fulfillment become rollercoasters, you’re f*cked.
Yet, we need to make time for all three. If you stop working on your health or wealth long term, you’re going to get the consequences. Workaholics don’t live a fulfilled life. Broke people don’t live a fulfilled life. People who never exercise end up with the consequences. You can’t take a free pass in any of these areas.
And the same is true for relationships – both platonic and intimate. You’ve got to make consistent time in your week to stay healthy there, too (which, if you’re single, means dating).
Let’s be real, if you had a great man in your life, we both know you’d make time for him, so it makes sense that you’d make consistent weekly time to meet him.
The problem is you need to be able to do it without rollercoasting.
So how do you get off the rollercoaster while still making the time, consistently? Here’s a few steps.
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Take Time Away
You need to hit the reset. I know you’ve done that before, but it’s required again. Take a month of NO dating, apps, any man stuff whatsoever — so you can reset.
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Return Slow and Steady
When you exercise, it’s much better you do 3 sessions per week for the whole month than to burn yourself out by doing 6 sessions in the first week and then falling off the horse completely.
This analogy demonstrates that slow consistency is king in any area, including dating/relationships.
- Set yourself a daily swipe limit (I’d advise 12 – right or left)
- Set yourself a daily text limit (I’d advise 12 per guy)
- Set yourself a weekly phone and date limit (I’d advice 2 hours + one date/week)
These limits need to be quite low. Clients are always surprised by how low I make them – especially the first two.
You must stop taking the process so seriously and getting high on the idea of a man. A good man won’t feel like a buzz – he’ll feel solid, secure and stable.
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Don’t Emotionally Masturbate
One big thing I see with women ending up on the rollercoaster is basically ‘seeking the high’ i.e. emotional masturbation. The same way you get really horny when you haven’t had sex in a time, humans are designed to get really “connection horny” when we haven’t had connection in a long time.
The way I see this present in clients is they jump online, REALLY wanting the connection they’ve been quietly craving long-term. This scarcity means that when they see/meet a guy they perceive has potential, their brain quickly goes all in (roller coaster up). They text all day, get high on the idea, then get hurt as his emotional availability comes out when he ghosts two weeks later.
Interestingly, after this has all gone down, these clients can always tell me “I kinda knew this guy wasn’t solid…”. But they ignored their intuition, pursued him (well… the fantasy of him) anyway, and got burned again.
You must stop taking the process so seriously and getting high on the idea of a man. A good man won’t feel like a buzz – he’ll feel solid, secure and stable.
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Have Higher and Longer Standards (and keep your focus on them)
The women who succeed in finding healthy relationships online all have one thing in common. They care about how a man shows up over time.
They put a lot less focus on “How much money does he earn? Does he seem like my dream guy? Would this guy look great as my husband?” and a lot more on “Does he keep putting in effort over time? How does he treat me under a variety of situations/stressors? Does he seem to consistently want to work to build something with me?”
Because time is such a key factor, things in their brain happen a lot more slowly. It’s a much longer process to question; “How does he treat me under a variety of situations/stressors?” than “Does he seem like my dream guy?”
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Address Attachment Wounds
Sometimes all of this is a bit easier said than done. If you’ve not had people show up in your life to provide connection you need on a consistent basis, it will be harder for you to bring your focus back to longer, higher standards and to kick the habit of emotional masturbation in dating. You’ll try, but then the deeper stored fear of loneliness will hit you hard, and you’ll be all in to fantasizing again.
The short answer in these moments is to self-soothe the scary emotion, meanwhile doing what you know is best for you. The long answer is your attachment, validation and belonging wounds probably need some healing, because your unconscious is trying to jump ahead and get it all done instantly.
This is powerful work you can do with a coach, so if you ever want my help with this, please reach out.
Bottom line? For any process to work, you need consistency. Humans aren’t designed to live on rollercoasters, so there’s no way you’ll be able to date consistently if you’re on a rollercoaster. Take time out, raise your standards, do the work.
If you want to work with me to do that, I’ll be happy to be your guide ❤️. You can fill out the form here.
Mark x
