Can you think of some qualities you want to receive more of from your man, or from men in general?
Respect and honesty are two I hear all the time from women. You want a man to respect you, and you want a man to be honest with you. And why wouldn’t you?
There are also many other ‘treatments’ from men clients come to me wanting more of. Perhaps you want loyalty, or quality time, or to feel safe, or great communication.
The good news is, there are three simple (though not necessarily easy) steps to guarantee that you can receive these from a man, or men, consistently.
Step 1) Find Your Gaps
The first thing to remember about these traits is that men want them from you, too.
You cannot be 5/10 honest with men (or yourself!) and expect a man who is 10/10 honest with women (or himself!) to choose you. Any man who is 10/10 honest is going to choose a woman who is the same.
Now, you might be thinking “I’m so honest, Mark and I always attract dishonest men!”.
In my years of coaching, this has been a statement that comes from women who are being dishonest… with themselves.
See, there are different forms of dishonesty. For example, you might be 10/10 honest about not seeing other men, but only 5/10 honest about recognising and speaking your true wants and needs (i.e., the classic over giving empath). The dishonest guy you attracted might be 10/10 honest about his wants and needs (and demands!) but only 5/10 honest about whether he’s been back on dating apps and meeting up with other women (i.e., self-serving + cheating narcissist). Notice the dishonesty going on here presents differently but is equivalent.
In any case, the important thing is to understand that you’ve got to work at this stuff too if you are serious about attracting it in a partner. The world and the men you attract WILL be your mirror.
Step 2) Release Transactional Thinking
A lot of women come to me with the attitude of “Well, I’ll be honest when men are honest with ME.”
“I’ll be respectful when men respect with me.”
“I’ll communicate well with him when he communicates well with me.”
Kinda like a trade.
And look, I get it. You put your heart and soul into a guy once, you were honest, respectful, and made him feel safe, etc… then you got it thrown back in your face.
Now, you’re keeping it for the man that deserves it. That’s valuing yourself, right?
Yes and no.
The problem with this transactional approach (usually a relationship trauma response) is that you’ll again attract your mirror.
Example. Imagine I’m your date or partner, and I have the same transactional attitude. While you’re looking at me thinking, “I’ll be respectful when Mark respects me.” I, too, am thinking, “I’ll be respectful when she respects me.”
Do you see how these traits are now on or off the table depending on the other person?
This is a transactional approach to values.
And the problem with a transactional approach is that people with transactional approaches are looking to protect themselves first based on the other person, which means if they get certain signals, they will make pre-emptive strike(s).
Basically, someone thinking transactionally will take the value (i.e. honesty, respect, good communication etc.) OFF the table in advance when they THINK the other person might take it off soon.
‘Beat em to the punch’ kind of idea.
So when I’m on a date with you and thinking transactionally with my respect, honesty etc.
I will try to predict if you’re going to be honest with me. And decide if I’m going to be honest with you based on my answer.
I will try to predict if you’ll respect me. And decide if I’m going to respect you based on my answer.
The whole interaction becomes a fear driven game of who can be less vulnerable.
Eventually someone shows a little fear, the other person sees/hears/sniffs it, pulls the trigger and takes the value (respect, honesty, etc…) off the table. The other quickly responds, and we’ve recreated the self-fulfilling prophecy of mutual disrespect, dishonesty, etc.
If you truly want to attract a man who respects you unconditionally, who is honest with you unconditionally, who makes you feel safe unconditionally, then you must deliver these values to men… unconditionally.
You can’t take the “if” approach (transactional)
I’ll respect men, if…
I’ll communicate well, if…
No, it has to be unconditional.
I’ll respect men unconditionally.
I’ll communicate well unconditionally.
I’ll be honest unconditionally,
Only an unconditional attitude will attract a man with an equally unconditional attitude.
Step 3) Consistently Set Boundaries No Matter Your Feelings
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“Just hold up one second there, Mark. If I do these things unconditionally, I’m going to get used. I’m going to get walked on. I’ve tried this and that’s exactly what happened. What about respecting what I have to offer?!?
This is exactly why you MUST have great boundaries with unconditional values. Otherwise, you WILL get used for them.
See, lots of women, probably like you, naturally start out respecting, being honest, holding a safe space, etc… unconditionally.
You were actually pretty good at that.
But then with that one guy, you kept doing it, and kept doing it, and kept doing it even though deep down, a part of you knew he wasn’t reciprocating. And it took you WAY too long to ask for what you wanted or to speak up.
You MUST have great boundaries with unconditional values. Otherwise, you WILL get used for them.
Maybe you finally broke it off but still got burned by the fact he wasn’t reciprocating the way you deep down WISHED he would.
Or maybe HE broke it off, and you got REALLY burned.
Either way, you ended up in a lop-sided relationship where you got USED for your unconditional values, and you said to yourself “never again”.
This is exactly why, as you become unconditional in your values again, you MUST set effective boundaries with words AND ACTIONS no matter what your feelings are for a man. Set boundaries with any man who chooses NOT to reciprocate your unconditional values.
You CAN be unconditionally honest AND filter out (move away from) men who aren’t as honest.
You CAN respect men unconditionally AND filter out (move away from) men who don’t respect you.
You CAN be unconditionally loyal AND filter out (move away from) men who can’t be loyal in return.
Bottom line, if you want a man to bring a particular trait into your life, YOU must:
1. Embody that trait at a high level (the only exception is polarity traits, like masculine energy, where you must embody the OPPOSITE trait at an equally high level, i.e., feminine energy)
2. Embody that trait UNCONDITIONALLY (you cannot decide whether or not you’ll be that based on him)
3. Demonstrate with your words AND ACTIONS that you’re willing and able to filter out (move away from) men who choose NOT to reciprocate that value.
If you can do those three things consistently, I guarantee that the men who show up and stay in your life will mirror that.