Do you feel prioritised by the guy you like or the man you’re with right now?
Be honest with me.
If your answer is “No” or “Errrrm… Mark, well, I dunno see maybe possibly…”
Then keep reading, because this simple 5-step process will have the guy either stepping UP the way you want or stepping OUT (of the way) for the man that will.
Step 1. Check In with Your STANDARDS
Ok first and foremost, I have to ask you this.
IS THIS SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY DESERVES TO BE YOUR PRIORITY?
IS THIS A MAN YOUR BEST SELF WOULD CHOOSE FOR YOU?!!
All right so that’s a lot of caps.
But seriously, ask yourself these questions first. And don’t BS. I get way too many women who come to me obsessed with a guy who might look good on paper–he has the money, height, good looks etc., but he’s also lied to them, disrespected them, or simply not shown the evidence that he’s in a life phase where he’s willing and/or able to invest himself into being/becoming the partner they need.
Don’t fall into the trap of trying to make him yours just because he’s good on paper. The result will be a shitty relationship.
Step 2. Get CLARITY
Alright, so you’ve assessed this guy has some character and the real potential to be a decent partner.
The first thing you want to do is get clarity on what being a priority looks like. What precisely does being a priority actually mean to you?
Get a page and draw a line down the middle. In the left-hand column, write “Wants” at the top, and underneath, write the actions you want from him based on the relationship context (i.e. it’s going to be different in a casual relationship versus if he’s your husband).
I want him to _______________.
- Text/call/see me X frequency?
- Not date other women?
- Communicate over a specific problem/issue with me?
- Help more with the housework?
- Calve out quality time in his schedule?
- Express his wants/needs more?
Continue writing down your list. Whatever being a priority actually means to you, write it down.
Then in the right column, write “Needs” at the top, and list the “needs” that each “want” meets.
For example, a phone call is a want, that meets the needs for connection. Or security. Or love. Exclusivity is a want, that meets the need for trust, security, importance. Communicating with you about X topic might meet your need for understanding, etc. Go through and identify in the right column the “needs” relating to each of your “wants”.
The reason you do this is because the needs in the right-hand column become your non-negotiables, while the wants, usually the actions, may be negotiable.
Step 3. Demonstrate You Value YOURSELF
If you want a man to value and prioritise you, you first need to demonstrate you value and prioritise yourself.
The more he’s NOT prioritising you right now, the more important this step is. If the guy is hardly contacting you, or if your partner is not valuing and respecting you, you must demonstrate to him this value for yourself. Ideally, you want him moving at least somewhat towards you when you do Step 4 (speak up).
You can inspire him to do this by bringing your focus back to things outside of him—friends, interests, hobbies, passions, things YOU want to do to light you up. Remember, this is about him WANTING and CHOOSING to step up, making you a priority and meeting your needs, so if he’s really gotten lazy, he might need to see YOU valuing your needs before he finds the motivation to do the same.
If you want a man to value and prioritise you, you first need to demonstrate you value and prioritise yourself.
Step 4. Speak UP
You’ve checked in he’s a good guy, you’ve gotten clarity, and you’ve demonstrated you value yourself and your own needs. If he hasn’t already come to you, then it’s time to go to him.
How exactly you do this will depend on your relationship. Obviously, if you’ve been married for a long time, it’s going to be a little different from if you’ve only been on three dates. The general rules for speaking up are:
- Soft words, ruthless actions
- Respect and honour his freedom
- Don’t use text (always in person, or phone at a minimum)
Here’s how it might look in a casual situation with a guy you’ve been on two dates with, who cancelled the third date and said he’d called to reschedule and didn’t. Now, he’s called you up at 6pm on a Saturday asking to see you tonight.
Him: Hey, you free tonight?
You: Hey! I didn’t hear from you this week about rescheduling?
Him: Well, that’s why I called you for tonight?
You: Right. Look, can I be super honest with you?
Him: Uh, sure.
You: Look, I like you. And I want you to do whatever you want to do. But from my end, when you say you’re going to call then don’t, then hit me up on short notice, it doesn’t really fill me with confidence that I can trust you as someone I’d date.
Him: Um. Ok. So what do you want me to do?
You: How about this, if it’s something you want to do, why don’t you take me out next weekend?
Him: Alright, I’ll pick you up Saturday at 1. We’ll head out for the afternoon?
You: Sounds good.
Here’s how it might look with a long-term partner, whose been too focused on video games:
You: Hey, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to you speak about – is this a good time?
Him: Sure babe, what’s up? (He keeps playing video games.)
You: Ah, are you sure this is a good time? I don’t want to chat if you can’t right now.
Him: What? Oh (pauses game). What’s up?
You: Well, actually, can I be open about something?
Him: Um… sure.
You: Well, first of all I know this wasn’t your intent, but I wanted to let you know that, from my perspective, if I’m being really honest, when you play games every night, I feel sad and disconnected from you. It would mean a lot to me if we could set aside some time to be present, even just talk, at least one night per week. Would that be something you’re open to?
Him: Uhh, do we have to?
You: Well no. We don’t HAVE to do anything. I wouldn’t want you to do anything you didn’t want to choose to do, that’s why I wanted to ask you and really hear your thoughts about this. At the same time, I do know myself and I know that connection & quality time IS important to me and it’s something I do deserve, so I guess if that’s not something you want to work towards with me, then I need you to let me know that.
See what I mean by soft with words, ruthless with actions? You can feel that even though her delivery is soft, she means business, which brings us to Step 5.
Step 5. Bring The Hammer DOWN
Men will only prioritise you when they know your verbal standards are backed by your actions. If you’ve taught men this from the start of the relationship, you’ll have an easier time now, but if you’ve come to this blog post with a guy already not prioritising you, it’s likely the man in question needs to see you’re serious about your new standards.
So, how do you demonstrate this, and how do you balance words and actions? I.e., how soon should you walk away versus giving him the opportunity to step up?
Basically, there’s an evolution between steps four and five, the balance between speaking the talk and walking the walk.
A general rule I always remind my clients of is this:
The more committed you are and the more effort a man has put in over time, the more you use words. The more casual a relationship, the more you rely on actions.
You don’t bother explaining your standards to men you’ve just met online. Way too exhausting. You just stop replying.
Whereas with a long-term partner, you go to marriage counselling and spend months talking through things through before you set hard boundaries with actions and eventually leave the relationship.
The key point is this: ACTIONS (consequences) need to be put in place for a man to take you seriously.
In a dating scenario, they come pretty quick. In a marriage, it’s a slower build. Either way, the guy needs to feel these actions progressing towards the final straw of you walking away, for him to learn that to keep you, he needs to prioritise you. Not because he has to, but because he chooses to.
Between speaking up and the hammer coming down, the man is going to get the message that he can either freely choose to step up and prioritise you, or freely choose to step out of the way for the man that will.
When he sees you actively valuing yourself, you’d be amazed how often he follows that lead and does the same.
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