Are you looking to start a family in the next 1-2 years?
If so, you might be interested in this question a client Voxered me today. She asked;
“How do you bring up on a date the fact you want to start a family soon – without having your date run for the hills?”
Especially if you’re in your late 30’s or early forties and don’t have kids (but want them) this is probably on your mind.
How do you make a healthy relationship happen naturally, without pressuring it… while at the same time, knowing… there is pressure! For kids.
Ok, real talk. You’re serious about a family, so let’s not fuck around.
Before you bring it up with a guy, it’s best to ask yourself an honest and difficult question first;
Which of these categories do you fit into?
- I want to have kids within 1-2 years, be it by partner, sperm donor, adoption, it’s HAPPENING!
- I really want kids, but it’s ONLY happening if I have the right man in my life.
Have a think about where you’re at, because while either can communicate this effectively, it’s a little different for each.
What To Say
If you’re in category A, you’ve got it a smidge easier. Kids are your path, and it’s happening regardless. So you can use this to your advantage and present the info as such.
“My 1-2 year plan? Well, I’m going to get a promotion, increase my earning a little, see if I can get my painting in the national gallery aaannnd become a mum! Very exciting times ahead. Of course, I’d love to meet someone great in the meantime to share all that with, but if not, I know what I want, and I can’t wait for the future. What about you?”
Not only does this let him know your plans, but because you’re not assuming he’s part of them, paradoxically, it makes him want to be.
If you’re in Category B, you’re better off bringing it up in a relationship context. That is, at some point in the first 1-3 dates when a guy asks about (or the conversation moves towards) past or present relationships.
“Well, one thing I learned from my past relationship is the importance of speaking up and having needs. I definitely didn’t speak up enough and I people pleased him and his needs… which led to resentment in both of us. Having done the work, I now realise a lot of that came from my Mum, so I’m really looking forward to my next relationship, whoever it’s with, because I know I’m going to be so much better with this stuff! I’ve definitely decided I’m not accepting anything less than a super healthy relationship in the future, because I know I want kids with the right guy, so I am and will be dating a lot of different people, to make sure I find a really balanced and healthy guy who wants to work with me to have and share an amazing family with… How bout you?”
You can see, they’re a little different, but what they have in common are:
- They don’t assume the guy in front of them will be that guy. In fact, they partially dismiss the dude. This makes sense when you think about it. If it’s only been 1-3 dates, men at that stage can get ruled out but not ruled in.
- They’re clear and unapologetic about what they want, so they can make good filtering decisions about the men.
Now, a point of ‘strategy,’ date more men. Seriously. Multidate. If this is important to you, you’ll make the time. Aim to go on 3 dates per week while staying open and let your goals be known.
Oh, and a final note that’s really important, a lot of women with this question have a deep fear in the background of all this. If you’ve read this far down, you can probably relate to it. The fear of “What if I never have kids?”.
Well, I won’t lie to you. It’s possible.
But that was a possible from the moment you were born. It’s not a recent thing.
That is life. There are no guarantees. Be it kids, starting a business, finding a partner, winning a tennis tournament or becoming a millionaire; they all fall under the same category. Uncertain. NOT guaranteed.
If you really want something, you must take a shit ton of action. Then, paradoxically, you have to let go of the result… and allow fate to decide.
One client of mine never had biological kids, but she has no less than TWELVE god children! She spends a ton of time with them, loves every one of them with all her heart (and they love her back), and she fully acknowledges she would never have had all these relationships if she’d had her own biological kids.
Finally, remember that at the end of the day, none of these achievements, be it kids, finding a partner or that local tennis tournament, determine your worth as a human, or as a woman.